Self Care and Women

My intention as a woman, counselor, and educator has always been to provide seekers with information and inspiration to help them be knowledgeable, loving, dynamic human beings! I write as a fellow traveler on this road to self-growth and self-awareness. These last few years have been dark and often hard to navigate. We are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, and I know we are all so grateful for that! We have all been changed in some way by our experiences and it’s beneficial to be aware of that.

My struggles have not been uncommon or unique and I know many can relate. Many moons ago, I started my career working in different areas of mental health: substance use treatment, drug court, and as a community mental health support worker. When I was graduating with my master’s in counseling, I had been working for the state doing investigations for abuse, neglect, and exploitation of senior and disabled population.

I was in a helping position at work, I was helping my friends and my family. I had no boundaries and no idea that I needed boundaries in all areas. I was beginning to realize that I was completely burnt out and I didn’t even know what burnout was but I knew I felt awful.

I was graduating with this degree to help people, I had a mound of student loans and I felt like I had no more left to give, I didn’t want to help one more person. I was cynical, depressed, and overall not taking very good care of myself.  I was an empty bucket and had no training or awareness at that time that I even had my bucket to fill.

That space is where I began my journey of self-care and through life circumstances, parenting, divorce, death of a parent, career transitions, and this pandemic I have revisited that space-time and time as we all will do. The difference now is that now I have the tools to act and shift from surviving to thriving and the self-compassion to understand that when I am surviving that is ok too.

For many years now I have been working with women and what has impressed me the most is that often these individuals already know what it means to survive in a world that is constantly changing the rules. They power through their struggles often setting aside their own needs to meet the needs of work, family, and community. I saw a commercial recently for a program offering online schooling to get a college degree. They showed a woman who was getting kids ready for school, then going to work, then cooking, doing homework, and doing the bedtime routine.  THEN once all that was done, she could work on her online schooling, burning the midnight oil until the work was done.

The message here is that her needs are LAST.

Intentional Self Care: Huffington’s Third Metric of Success

Let that sink in for a minute and think about where else you may have heard that message. It may have been when you were told as a young girl to be polite, not loud. Maybe you were told not to state your beliefs too loudly as they may offend someone. It may have been when during the pandemic when the kids were home and they had to be taught at the same time as maybe you were working from home or taking care of the aging parents.

And while it is true that at times in our lives, we do need to put our own needs aside it should be the exception NOT the rule. When it becomes the rule, and we are not putting our oxygen masks on first we begin to suffer in many ways. We become burned out, stressed, and even sick. But let’s be real, even those things are sometimes not enough to get us to pay attention. Arianna Huffington wrote the book Thrive after having passed out and fallen from the sheer exhaustion of giving. THRIVE is her book dedicated to what she calls the Third Metric of Success, otherwise known as intentional self-care. I suggest picking it up if you have a chance!

In a podcast recently burnout and emotional exhaustion were described as when you are giving, giving, and giving, and when you can’t take any more you get up and you keep on giving or it’s as if you were in a pie-eating contest and the reward is more pie.

To break free and start to shift from surviving burnout, and emotional exhaustion to a space that is safe to start thriving there are actions we need to take and they don’t happen by accident. They happen with intention.

Self Care Technique #1: Self-Awareness

The first of these is self-awareness. Socrates said that “to know thyself is the beginning of wisdom” so we must start there.

As we are beginning to come out of the pandemic we must slow down and take the time to take our own inventory of our level of burnout, stress, and fatigue How often you are meeting your own needs? Do you know what they are?

Are you practicing good self-care? Self-care is not always a pedicure or massage sometimes it’s getting into your doctor for preventative care.

What do burnout and exhaustion look like for you?

There are many self-assessments online or you could ask those closest to you what they see. Often burnout and compassion fatigue manifest in ways OTHERS see first! Ask those you trust.

A couple of months ago a coworker of mine came into my office and asked me how I was doing.  As I started to go into my list of troubles and annoyances, she stopped me. She said,” I think you should stay home tomorrow.” I had all kinds of resistance to this.  How could I cancel my appointments for the day? What if there was an emergency? I don’t get paid if I don’t work…. And on and on my mind went. Why did I deserve a day to stay in bed, sleep, and take care of myself? No way!!! Later she checked back in with me and I still had not canceled the next day. Again, she said, YOU NEED THIS! For some reason that time her words stuck and I realized that maybe she was right and I canceled the day and stayed home resting all day. Honestly, It was glorious and something I had not realized I needed.

When I am nearing burnout and experiencing compassion fatigue the first thing that happens to me is that I get sick. I rarely get sick, but I now know that getting sick is my body’s way of telling me to slow down, rest, and go inward so I can repair and heal.  My current goal is to listen to my body and its needs BEFORE I get sick. Listen to your body. Ask it what it needs and believe it when the answer shows up.

Self-awareness also requires reflection. Reflection on what you went through these past two years of the pandemic. How were you changed by your experience, the good and the bad? Did you find a new hobby? Did you have to shift to working from home? Did you lose a loved one or get sick yourself? Did you have to become a teacher, mom, and worker or take on a completely new role in your life?

I had to shift to 100 percent virtual counseling and work from home. As I reflect on it now, I have realized I thrive on in-person human connection. I get my energy from being in the same room with people. This awareness will help me as I make decisions going forward in my life. Know thyself and respect that knowledge!!!  Finding a healthy balance between work and life is one of the great challenges for all women and it will continue to get more complicated.

Self Care Technique #2: Self-Compassion

The next essential skill is self-compassion, it has been proven to increase resilience and exists as a buffer to the adverse effects of mental health challenges. I love to see the aha moment when people realize that how they talk to themselves is in stark contrast to how they would respond to others.

I recently had a friend cancel a planned dinner and here goes my internal dialogue. “Of course, she canceled, who would want to hang out with me. I am so boring; she is probably tired of hearing me complain about ridiculous things she doesn’t care about. No one wants to hang out with me.” Now, this happened in a split second from finding out that my friend was canceling.  First, is it even true and would I have EVER suggested that reasoning to a friend? No and No. We all need to realize how our internal self-talk compounds or relieves our suffering.

Self-compassion requires that we stop to recognize our suffering. We must acknowledge our pain exists and extend to ourselves the same kindness that we would give to our best friend. Self -Kindness involves more than merely stopping self-judgment, it involves actively comforting ourselves. It requires that you understand the concept of common humanity, that we are all in this together and many of our emotions and experiences make us part of the human experience NOT separate or different from others.

Dr. Kristen Neff the pioneer and researcher of self-compassion talks about Compassion, including self-compassion, being linked to the mammalian care system. That’s why being compassionate to ourselves when we feel inadequate makes us feel safe and cared for, like a child held in a warm embrace. Self-compassion helps to downregulate the threat response. When the stress response (fight-flight-freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to turn on ourselves. We fight ourselves (self-criticism), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination).

When we practice self-compassion, we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system. Oxytocin and endorphins are released, which helps reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.

Don’t you just love science?

Completing the Stress Response

Let’s talk for a minute about the stress response. Another exceptional way to find balance is to make sure you are completing the stress response daily.

We often focus on the stressors but what if you can’t decrease the stressors? What if your job, family life, or whatever life circumstances you are experiencing cannot be changed? This is often where we find ourselves. In the book Burnout by the Nagolski sisters, they outline the importance of completing the stress response and prioritizing finding a way to do this every day. When the stress response (our fight-flight-freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self a physical reaction takes place within our nervous system. We release cortisol, adrenaline, and other hormones that are supposed to help us fight the threat, run from the threat, or freeze to trick the threat. If we can do that then we eventually get to a space of safety and the nervous system can regulate itself. However, in today’s world, we may never find ourselves able to regulate because the threats and stress responses keep on coming.

You watch the news and see the number of Covid deaths ticking, someone pulls in front of you in traffic, you get a call from the principal of your child’s school, and you have a looming work deadline that your team is counting on you to perform at your best. Our world does not allow for the completion of our stress cycle so we must be sure we are doing it for ourselves.

They outline

• 20 to 60 minutes of Physical Activity: I know, I know. I feel like when I tell people they need to exercise they want to roll their eyes at me, but it is truly the most effective method of completing the stress cycle! Get on the treadmill and run it out or get to the boxing gym and show them who is boss. Whatever you choose to do just get moving.
• Breathing – I suggest box breathing. 4 counts of slow deep breaths in through the nose…hold for 4…. now 4 slow counts to release through the mouth and repeat.
• Positive Social Interaction: When we spend time with a friend or coworker, we are reminded that the world is safe and that although some people suck, not everyone sucks!
• Laughter – When I am having a particularly rough time, I have 2 favorite movies that help me remember that life is not always so serious and it’s ok to have fun. Airplane and Ace Ventura are my most quotable funny movies! (Don’t judge)
• Affection – 20 full seconds of hugs with your significant other, kids, or pets changes our hormones and lowers BP and heart rate. We are wired for connection with others.
• A Big Cry– So many of us see tears as a sign of weakness but in truth, it takes more strength to get vulnerable and let those feelings flow. Listen to a sad song or watch an emotional movie if you need something to help you get started.
• Creative Expression – Painting, Dancing, Baking, or Woodworking. Whatever is your game just do it and let yourself get lost in the moment of creation?

You may already be doing some of these things. If you are, keep it up! If not it’s time to start! So, let’s wrap up what I shared today in a few simple points.

LIFE IS CRAZY HARD and INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL sometimes all at the same time!

There are things within your control that you can do to shift from surviving to thriving.

First, know that sometimes it will just be that way. You will be just surviving and that’s ok because it won’t be permanent!

Permit yourself to just be! Practice being a human BEING not just a human DOING.

If you are ready to shift, start developing the 3 skills we talked about:

Self-awareness, Self-Compassion, and Completing your Stress Cycle.

Life will continue to get in the way and create obstacles in your path. Your family, friends, and community need you to take care of yourself. Create a support system that supports you and seek out a good counselor, coach, or mentor who can guide you and support you along your journey.

The message here is that her needs are LAST.

Intentional Self Care: Huffington’s Third Metric of Success

Let that sink in for a minute and think about where else you may have heard that message. It may have been when you were told as a young girl to be polite, not loud. Maybe you were told not to state your beliefs too loudly as they may offend someone. It may have been when during the pandemic when the kids were home and they had to be taught at the same time as maybe you were working from home or taking care of the aging parents.

And while it is true that at times in our lives, we do need to put our own needs aside it should be the exception NOT the rule. When it becomes the rule, and we are not putting our oxygen masks on first we begin to suffer in many ways. We become burned out, stressed, and even sick. But let’s be real, even those things are sometimes not enough to get us to pay attention. Arianna Huffington wrote the book Thrive after having passed out and fallen from the sheer exhaustion of giving. THRIVE is her book dedicated to what she calls the Third Metric of Success, otherwise known as intentional self-care. I suggest picking it up if you have a chance!

In a podcast recently burnout and emotional exhaustion were described as when you are giving, giving, and giving, and when you can’t take any more you get up and you keep on giving or it’s as if you were in a pie-eating contest and the reward is more pie.

To break free and start to shift from surviving burnout, and emotional exhaustion to a space that is safe to start thriving there are actions we need to take and they don’t happen by accident. They happen with intention.

Self Care Technique #1: Self-Awareness

The first of these is self-awareness. Socrates said that “to know thyself is the beginning of wisdom” so we must start there.

As we are beginning to come out of the pandemic we must slow down and take the time to take our own inventory of our level of burnout, stress, and fatigue How often you are meeting your own needs? Do you know what they are?

Are you practicing good self-care? Self-care is not always a pedicure or massage sometimes it’s getting into your doctor for preventative care.

What do burnout and exhaustion look like for you?

There are many self-assessments online or you could ask those closest to you what they see. Often burnout and compassion fatigue manifest in ways OTHERS see first! Ask those you trust.

A couple of months ago a coworker of mine came into my office and asked me how I was doing.  As I started to go into my list of troubles and annoyances, she stopped me. She said,” I think you should stay home tomorrow.” I had all kinds of resistance to this.  How could I cancel my appointments for the day? What if there was an emergency? I don’t get paid if I don’t work…. And on and on my mind went. Why did I deserve a day to stay in bed, sleep, and take care of myself? No way!!! Later she checked back in with me and I still had not canceled the next day. Again, she said, YOU NEED THIS! For some reason that time her words stuck and I realized that maybe she was right and I canceled the day and stayed home resting all day. Honestly, It was glorious and something I had not realized I needed.

When I am nearing burnout and experiencing compassion fatigue the first thing that happens to me is that I get sick. I rarely get sick, but I now know that getting sick is my body’s way of telling me to slow down, rest, and go inward so I can repair and heal.  My current goal is to listen to my body and its needs BEFORE I get sick. Listen to your body. Ask it what it needs and believe it when the answer shows up.

Self-awareness also requires reflection. Reflection on what you went through these past two years of the pandemic. How were you changed by your experience, the good and the bad? Did you find a new hobby? Did you have to shift to working from home? Did you lose a loved one or get sick yourself? Did you have to become a teacher, mom, and worker or take on a completely new role in your life?

I had to shift to 100 percent virtual counseling and work from home. As I reflect on it now, I have realized I thrive on in-person human connection. I get my energy from being in the same room with people. This awareness will help me as I make decisions going forward in my life. Know thyself and respect that knowledge!!!  Finding a healthy balance between work and life is one of the great challenges for all women and it will continue to get more complicated.

Self Care Technique #2: Self-Compassion

The next essential skill is self-compassion, it has been proven to increase resilience and exists as a buffer to the adverse effects of mental health challenges. I love to see the aha moment when people realize that how they talk to themselves is in stark contrast to how they would respond to others.

I recently had a friend cancel a planned dinner and here goes my internal dialogue. “Of course, she canceled, who would want to hang out with me. I am so boring; she is probably tired of hearing me complain about ridiculous things she doesn’t care about. No one wants to hang out with me.” Now, this happened in a split second from finding out that my friend was canceling.  First, is it even true and would I have EVER suggested that reasoning to a friend? No and No. We all need to realize how our internal self-talk compounds or relieves our suffering.

Self-compassion requires that we stop to recognize our suffering. We must acknowledge our pain exists and extend to ourselves the same kindness that we would give to our best friend. Self -Kindness involves more than merely stopping self-judgment, it involves actively comforting ourselves. It requires that you understand the concept of common humanity, that we are all in this together and many of our emotions and experiences make us part of the human experience NOT separate or different from others.

Dr. Kristen Neff the pioneer and researcher of self-compassion talks about Compassion, including self-compassion, being linked to the mammalian care system. That’s why being compassionate to ourselves when we feel inadequate makes us feel safe and cared for, like a child held in a warm embrace. Self-compassion helps to downregulate the threat response. When the stress response (fight-flight-freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to turn on ourselves. We fight ourselves (self-criticism), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination).

When we practice self-compassion, we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system. Oxytocin and endorphins are released, which helps reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.

Don’t you just love science?

Completing the Stress Response

Let’s talk for a minute about the stress response. Another exceptional way to find balance is to make sure you are completing the stress response daily.

We often focus on the stressors but what if you can’t decrease the stressors? What if your job, family life, or whatever life circumstances you are experiencing cannot be changed? This is often where we find ourselves. In the book Burnout by the Nagolski sisters, they outline the importance of completing the stress response and prioritizing finding a way to do this every day. When the stress response (our fight-flight-freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self a physical reaction takes place within our nervous system. We release cortisol, adrenaline, and other hormones that are supposed to help us fight the threat, run from the threat, or freeze to trick the threat. If we can do that then we eventually get to a space of safety and the nervous system can regulate itself. However, in today’s world, we may never find ourselves able to regulate because the threats and stress responses keep on coming.

You watch the news and see the number of Covid deaths ticking, someone pulls in front of you in traffic, you get a call from the principal of your child’s school, and you have a looming work deadline that your team is counting on you to perform at your best. Our world does not allow for the completion of our stress cycle so we must be sure we are doing it for ourselves.

They outline

• 20 to 60 minutes of Physical Activity: I know, I know. I feel like when I tell people they need to exercise they want to roll their eyes at me, but it is truly the most effective method of completing the stress cycle! Get on the treadmill and run it out or get to the boxing gym and show them who is boss. Whatever you choose to do just get moving.
• Breathing – I suggest box breathing. 4 counts of slow deep breaths in through the nose…hold for 4…. now 4 slow counts to release through the mouth and repeat.
• Positive Social Interaction: When we spend time with a friend or coworker, we are reminded that the world is safe and that although some people suck, not everyone sucks!
• Laughter – When I am having a particularly rough time, I have 2 favorite movies that help me remember that life is not always so serious and it’s ok to have fun. Airplane and Ace Ventura are my most quotable funny movies! (Don’t judge)
• Affection – 20 full seconds of hugs with your significant other, kids, or pets changes our hormones and lowers BP and heart rate. We are wired for connection with others.
• A Big Cry– So many of us see tears as a sign of weakness but in truth, it takes more strength to get vulnerable and let those feelings flow. Listen to a sad song or watch an emotional movie if you need something to help you get started.
• Creative Expression – Painting, Dancing, Baking, or Woodworking. Whatever is your game just do it and let yourself get lost in the moment of creation?

You may already be doing some of these things. If you are, keep it up! If not it’s time to start! So, let’s wrap up what I shared today in a few simple points.

LIFE IS CRAZY HARD and INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL sometimes all at the same time!

There are things within your control that you can do to shift from surviving to thriving.

First, know that sometimes it will just be that way. You will be just surviving and that’s ok because it won’t be permanent!

Permit yourself to just be! Practice being a human BEING not just a human DOING.

If you are ready to shift, start developing the 3 skills we talked about:

Self-awareness, Self-Compassion, and Completing your Stress Cycle.

Life will continue to get in the way and create obstacles in your path. Your family, friends, and community need you to take care of yourself. Create a support system that supports you and seek out a good counselor, coach, or mentor who can guide you and support you along your journey.